Secrets, secrets are no fun.

Cardigan - J.crew factory, shirt - f21, shorts - DIY thrifted, necklace - f21 clearance wooot, journal - gift!

Meet Secrets. 

She's the shy little journal I take with me everywhere I go. She is the vessel for the one off, crazy ideas that come into my head before I pull a Kubla Kahn and am interrupted before I can finish my thoughts (that Coleridge poem has become the irony of my life.) Just the notion of someone snatching her from me and dissecting her content makes me shutter. Some of these ideas are bizarre even to me after a second glance, not to mention these are the barest essentials of things I find meaningful. Secrets would, of course, make very little sense to the outside perspective - I fear if I were forced to explain to someone what I meant by what I wrote at times, the value of having Secrets would be eradicated. Everything in  Secrets is like an abbreviation for an even bigger idea, or contributes to a higher purpose. Some nights I keep her by my bed and when I can't sleep, I'll write what I'm thinking about. Most of it is undecipherable handwriting, and not being able to remember what I was thinking about at odd hours of the night doesn't help break the code.

That seems to be the nature of most facets of inspiration these days - it's something gently realized as in a passing observation that rings truer and truer the more it's pondered. I don't understand these poets and writers who produce multitudes of stories, each with dimensions of plot that entertain sub-concepts when I feel like I use the same word too often. I only call a poem or story finished when I've given up the chase of expressing my idea in the realest translation possible. 

Someone told me Leonard Da Vinci wrote his to-do lists in his journals opposite the first draft sketches of his major masterpieces. While I juggle the heftier concerns of my artistic development,  I wonder about what I'll wear. My closet is like a puzzle that has no finished product, I just keep rearranging the pieces until I like what I see. I guess I do this with stories and poems too. Some days it comes easier than others. I just have to make the most of the days that count. 

Everyone needs a Secret in their life. Mine was a gift, and its one that continues to give. These pages are like mirrors where you can learn about the strangest ways the human mind ticks and tocks. 

-H. 

In and Out of Focus

top - banana republic (thrifted), skirt - j.crew factory, tights - new york & company, necklace - vintage

 You'll have to forgive me because I'm still learning the in's and out of my new birthday present, the tripod. These shots were mainly experimental on both the aspects of angling and camera settings. But I think I have a better grasp than what I started out with - somehow in my mind, I thought that since I now have my own camera and tripod the laws of science would bend for me but lighting is still the greatest foe of the photography world....I have not yet mastered that.

In happy news, I ended my insane six classes this semester with all A's and a B in Biology (I told you, science and I aren't friends...) and decided to regroup before I embarked on summer classes to finish up my degree. Plus, I thought this would be an opportune time to take this blog places where I would like to see it go, to grow exponentially and really have time to devote to these virtues.

It's wonderful to breathe again. But even more, it's wonderful to feel aspirations again. When we have countless obligations, what we really want to do for ourselves becomes tragically trampled - especially when what we want to do is better ourselves, or tend to our own happiness and well being. I get truly captivated by the ideas I come up with on a whim. It's a wonderful thing to feel like, "hey! I can do this and it would be cool!" 

I have tutorials upon tutorials to guide me through better portrait taking. This really reflects just how much emphasis I'm putting on myself these days - I can now fully rely on just myself to get what I need done and that's much safer. If I believe in myself, I should be able to rely on myself. It feels like for most of my journey in this blog, one or other element has been off balance in this scale where equilibrium is success. More proof that everything in life isn't handed to you, you have to build upon something to become greater. 

Being 20 feels strange. For the build up to my birthday, I did my best to avoid thinking of it for the duration. It's hard to express my feelings towards turning this age, but I struggle with age and numbers that determine maturity. 

Just waiting on the weather to improve before I experiment with the tripod and camera, i.e. the tools of my new trade.

-H. 

Tie Dye Minimalist

Dress - c/o Sugarlips Apparel, shoes - Nine West, earrings - UO 

Look at this fabulous dress Sugarlips gave me!!! My very first gift from an online fashion store. You have no idea how bad I wanted to squee all over my blog when I first got the email. It's always fantastic to be offered gifts, but to be offered a high quality, amazing item that you would have picked out for yourself had you discovered it on your own? Priceless.

And of course, the dress arrived on a difficult monday, made my day all the better. I can't paint a clearer picture than to tell everyone my room was a mess when I received the package - I'm pretty sure I paired the dress with every piece of clothing I owned. But then it occurred to me - less is more (a philosophy I have a hard time adopting some days.) If you can put intricate earrings (there goes that Edie Sedgwick inspiration again) with a dress that speaks for itself, you don't need volumes of accessories or other add ons.

I could have really gone buck wild with the photos, as me and my photographer traveled around for an entire afternoon to find *the* best shot. But I held back. With much difficulty.

Unfortunately, the dress is currently sold out. But here are some other items I fell in love with (click on the picture):

As you can see, they have a really diverse collection and I'm sitting here thinking of at least 20 different ways you could wear each item. Pretty cool, huh?

-h.

Ombre lips

sweater - f21, button up - thrifted, leggings - UO, shoes - thrifted 

Don't be fooled, this photoshoot was taken in extremely windy weather and was absolutely freezing. All the outtakes were hilarious, my contacts were so dry because of the wind I look like I'm going crazy very slowly and I'm side-eyeing everyone...

Let it be known I'm obsessed with elbow patches. Obsessed. I've been wearing this sweater in all sorts of variations lately....Also I live in button ups. Just saying. Great for layering. But you knew that.

These past few weeks have been very difficult for me, not to make you pity me. You know the saying "when it rains, it pours"? My rainy life weather has been challenging the Richter scale, frankly. I wish I could tell you I've remained positive and optimistic. But what I have discovered is that sometimes when life sucks supremely, there are small "happy moments" life provides. I wore this outfit to college a few weeks ago. I have a long tread to my first morning class, over several flights of stairs and across the entire camp. It's a very lonely time, an optimal condition for daydreaming/dwelling on insecurities. While I was making my way up my final flight of stairs this random guy passed me and said, "excuse me, but were you the girl wearing those crazy black tights the other day?" it took me a second to register what he was talking about, but I remembered I wore this outfit recently so it must have been what he was talking about. He then proceeded to tell me "I could be a model" which left me with a smile for the next 15 minutes. I told him not model, but fashion blogger. You just have to take reassurance where you can get it, I guess. (What vanity...)

Also: OMBRE LIPS. Thank you, Nylon, for inspiring me. When I thought about attempting this, I was immediately bombarded by the memory of my childhood halloween costume of Queen Amidala from Star Wars...Remember those crazy red and white lips? I kept smearing mine throughout halloween night. I figured with ombre lips, I'd wind up doing the same thing. But nope. I've mastered the art of not pressing my lips together.

Perhaps a clearer picture of what I had in mind....I have a feeling this won't be the last you see of ombre lips. 

-h.

Sun & Moon

scarf, blouse, belt - thrifted, skirt - banana republic, earrings - vintage

So I recently wrote a story for one of my classes about a guy that sees butterflies

No seriously. This was my second story due for an assignment, my first one I was proud with, but didn't feel it was necessarily a "break through" - ie didn't really do what crazy things run through my mind on a daily basis much justice. Sometimes I humor myself and pretend I know what I'm doing, using intuition as my own critic.

So I wrote this story, right? It was about this crazy guy who hallucinates, written from his point of view. You really can't decipher what's real and what's not (or at least, I like to think.) I'm very drawn to psychedelic things thanks to my renewed obsession fascination with the Led Zeppelin film "The Song Remains the Same" and I decided to jump in head first. 

So the day it's due, and we're all critiquing each others stories (me with my pink pen of doom) and I see my story being passed around and I get to briefly take a glimpse...and I see it covered in writing from all different handwriting. Ugh. Fine then, I think to myself. Some things work and some don't. I made a mental note to scrap the idea entirely. I was incredibly worried this was too specific of a theme for a general audience - not everyone finds what weird things I find interesting. 

A day passes and I get my story back. Turns out the writing all over the page wasn't endless criticism, like I thought. It was actually praise! Everyone loved it! I was floating on cloud nine the rest of my day, even took the next class to reread the comments people made. If there's been one immediate affect this writing class has had on me, it's coming face to face with my worst demon, even more than writer's block - the fear of having my baby torn apart and ridiculed. This is yet another aspect I've fully emerged myself into, in hopes of breaking this habit - I practically throw my writing to anyone with eyes. I used to be so secretive. It's a great feeling. 

I tell this story not to "brag" of any writing skill I might possess, but rather, to update on a thought I posed a while ago. I opened up, honestly for the first time ever on this blog, about some rather personal feelings I was battling with - mostly about inadequacies and struggling with a real vision for my artistic endeavors. I'm nearing very important life deadlines, mostly regarding college and career choices. I'm at my absolute wit's end with decision making (god knows I'm horrible at it...I think I found a demon to challenge that other one...) and I'm telling you all this to explain the beauty of falling so low you can't fall any further. At this point, all you have is instinct and primal need. And I thought, what's my absolute most basic need? Writing. I want to do nothing more in life than write to my little heart's content. 

So not only is this a story of self discovery, but listening to your heart. It took me a while to find my own voice, especially with the "writing" medium. I took a lifeline and wrote about something uniquely inherent to myself and bit the bullet with my fear of criticism. I know I'm going to mess up in the future and write a less than perfect story, even to myself, but at least for now, I know what I'm capable of and have a steadier eye on the prize.

Oh, and the look today. SCARF. Love it. I love sun and moon things, saw this scarf, and have been planning a number of ways to wear it and show it off. Also, yellow colorblocking. Funnily enough, I dislike the color yellow on a regular basis, but the flow of colors and the spectrum I'm working with were appealing enough.

Thank goodness for swanky neighborhoods with fountains in the middle of the road.

-h.

Sometimes as I'm editing my photos, I feel like my cat is watching, so I let him do the decision making for me. He doesn't approve. 

All my heart, it breaks every step that I take

Everything either thrifted or vintage except shirt and cardigan (f21) and boots.

I'm working on an "about me" section. While this may seem trivial, this is a deep struggle for me. I fold my hands and stare at the blank edit post. And stare.

It's hard to control what people think of you, and the simple written "about me" is more than a label, it's a burden. It challenges how you see yourself, how you want others to see you, and leaves little room for subjectivity. It's hard to make yourself a commercial, an advertisement. I am the Queen of Exaggeration, clearly, my kingdom is the mountain I've made from anthills... but challenge yourself. How do you see yourself? Is it possible to entice someone from your personality alone?

The title comes from Lana Del Rey (yes, I'm on the bandwagon) song "Born to Die." I absolutely envy any artist that can catch my attention with the title of their piece alone, that is a talent I've never possessed in my short history of writing (thus why I borrow every title from a lyric that speaks to me). My favorite films have the same in common.

This barn was magical. We live not only in a face paced world, but a world of routine and familiarity. What a forgotten blessing the simple act of exploration is. I kept hearing voices outside and was scared I was intruding, but the light and the environment were a crime not to take an advantage of.

I love clutter. Possibly because my room is never clean. When I was a kid, my mother framed this poster above my bed that had kittens in buckets with paint all over them that said "I'm not messy I'm creative" and that's a great illustration of how I lead my life... Something about junk amuses me...I want to know who had that couch before and their story. I've always found intrinsic value in objects. I found old coloring books, classic literature and magazines scattered in the corners.

We crawled through a very tiny hole into the silo, where there was one single tree inside. My luck the lighting wasn't any good in there...

I have a feeling I'll return back to that barn soon. It feels like my secret garden.

-h.